Open Register

Fake roses are red — permanent botanicals

In a previous incarnation, long before I knew anything about the carnation, I thought it would be nice to purchase my mother a bouquet of flowers. OK, I bombed a Spanish test and, calling on an old trick I had seen my dad perform once when he got a speeding ticket, I raced to the local florist shop to attempt to soften the anticipated blow. You see, my mom majored in Spanish in college and, while she certainly expected me to wax scholarly in the more mundane subjects such as English Lit and Biology, she took personally any suggestion that Spanish class wasn't wasn't the highlight of my school career. That day, certainly, it wasn't, so I prepared for the worst by trying to do my best to ease the discomfort that was to come. I walked into the store, eyed a seemingly lovely arrangement of orange-tinted roses and asked, "How much?" I can't remember what the lady behind the counter said, but I knew she said a figure much lower than the one I had planned to pay, so I reached into my pocket and withdrew the appropriate amount of cash and eagerly awaited the cashier's trek to the back of the store to retrieve my freshly clipped flowers.

Instead ...

She simply turned around, grabbed the same arrangement I saw coming in - which was obviously plastic - and handed it to me. I was too embarrassed to say that what I really wanted were real flowers that looked like these fake flowers, so I simply retreated to the door and headed to the auto, trying all the while to figure out how to say Spanish, "Mom, your son is an idiot."

It's too bad I didn't flunk that test today, because today, my mom would probably love a bouquet of permanent botanicals, which have evolved into a staple of many a decorative environ. In fact, with today's consumer bent on having a house that looks good but not so bent on bending to dig all the necessary beds, botanicals of the permanent variety are more popular than ever. If you don't believe me, just check out the fare on homeportfolio.com (which shows you the latest in silk botanicals, basket botanicals, contemporary botanicals and more. If it's simply background information you seek, check out the comprehensive report from Flowershopnetwork.com. It's a newsletter excerpt that examines the place of the permanent botanical in the home. Of course, you could also simply do what you're doing with the faux flowers — and, while you're at it, could you comment on what works and what doesn't?

Pest control - Something's bugging me!

The other day I was reading about a promotion our local amusement park will introduce for its annual Fright Night run during the Halloween season. Anticipating that the line for the six-gazillion-feet-tall roller coaster will stretch into the grounds’ nether regions, park officials are offering "cuts" to anyone willing to ingest a live Madagascar hissing cockroach on the spot.

While the notion of ingesting even a live garden-variety cockroach is cause for pause for most people, the amusement park challenge has been rendered even more formidable by the fact that the Madagascar hissing cockroach comes about its name quite naturally. Indeed, it does hiss — in the mouth, down the gullet, all the way into the stomach, at which point ingest gives way to digest ... for those lucky enough to get that far. Of course, then they have to hop in a set of cars that goes really fast before going really HIGH before falling really HARD.

Speaking of organic means to deal with pests, I want to offer a tip o’ the hat to you garden center operators who have steadily trained many of your customers to be better stewards of this great land of ours. Or, maybe, it was the customer who trained the garden center folk. In any case, organic controls for pests and diseases have moved from the back corner to the most prominent display areas in many stores. And everyone — save, perhaps the Madagascar hissing cockroach — is better off for it. I know of one store in my home town that sells nothing but organic product, all the while selling plenty of organic product. To give you an idea of the magnitude of this niche, go to the internet, specifically to www.google.com and type "organic pest control" in the search box. You’ll receive roughly 5,080,000 options, each with products and/or information dedicated to the subject. Certainly, many of you have already done your homework — heck, you’re already acing the test! We would love to hear from you.